Santa Face Cookies
How cute those sugar cookies designed to look like Santa’s head are! Who wouldn’t enjoy a couple of them, dunked in some milk? Santa Claus, that’s who! He is going to the trouble of bringing you all of those presents and in return you want him to eat himself? Come on, do you leave a chocolate rabbit out for the Easter Bunny?

Reindeer Cookies
The reindeer are Santa’s pets. Well, that’s what my six year old tells me. I always thought they were more like his underpaid employees (would you pull an all nighter for just a few carrots?), but what do I know? Six year olds are much more knowledgeable about all things North Pole. But I digress; just as he wouldn’t want to eat his own head, I doubt Santa enjoys snacking on Rudolph.

Snowflake Cookies
All year long, Santa lives at the North Pole. Do you know what they have at the North Pole all year long? Snow! And the one night he gets to leave, he has to fly through blizzards so thick with snow that he needs a red nosed beacon to show him the way. (I swear he comes through the fireplace because he is hoping for two minutes of heat.) Then, when he gets to the place where you leave his snack, what does he see? MORE snow! Not cool!

Gingerbread Cookies
Anyone who has seen “Shrek the Halls” knows how devastating it can be for one Gingerbread person to watch Santa devour another Gingerbread person. It’s Christmastime, folks. Let’s practice a little bit of peace on Earth and good will towards gingerbread men.

Pfeffernusse
I don’t know what ingredients make up the Pfeffernusse recipe, but I suspect it involves grinding up that smelly stuff my mother used to put in her potpourri bowl, rolling it into a ball and covering it with powdered sugar. The powdered sugar is just a trick to make these cookies look almost good enough to eat. Don’t fall for it – they aren’t. As a matter of fact, the English translation of Pfeffernusse is “pepper nuts.” Do you really believe Santa wants to eat pepper nuts for Christmas?

Soup
Baby, it’s cold outside! Why would Santa want milk and cookies when he could have some hot, warming soup? Make it Christmas Soup (see links for recipe) and pack it in a thermos so he can take it to on the road…err…in the sky. Don’t forget the crackers! I hear he likes the kind with the elves on the box.

Leftovers
So you had a huge Christmas Eve feast and all you left for St. Nick is a couple of cookies and a glass of old milk? The man is bringing you presents, for goodness sake, the least you can do is offer him some of your home cooked meal. Just set it out for him on the counter. Don’t worry, he’s seen you when you’re sleeping, awake AND using the microwave. He’ll figure out how to heat his plate.

Pizza
With all of that traveling, chimney dropping and sack carrying, at some point in the night, Santa needs some real sustenance. And who doesn’t like pizza? I’m sure Santa would love pizza…if only he had the chance to taste it. Sadly, no matter how much he does for them, he can’t find one single delivery person willing to drive a pie up to the North Pole.

Local Fare
Every year Santa visits Philly and never has time to stop for a cheese steak. The same goes for Boston Baked beans, Louisiana gumbo and whatever food for which your home town is famous. Give him a sampling of your local cuisine. And don’t think he has the rest of the year to come and try it himself; Christmas Eve is the only day of the year Mrs. Claus allows him to stray from his diet.

Coffee
Santa can’t possibly complete his rounds fueled on sugar alone. He could use some caffeine to help him along the way. As a matter of fact, make it an espresso. Or spike it with a little Irish crème or peppermint schnapps. It’s cold out there and Santa can use some warming “jolly” for his journey. Come on! Everyone knows that red nose isn’t caused by the cold air! Worried about impairment? It’s okay, it’s no secret that the reindeer do the actual driving of the sleigh. And if he mixes up a couple of gifts, so what? He’s already delivered the right ones to your place.

Crumpet
Crumpet sounds like a good name for a Christmas reindeer. Especially since it rhymes with trumpet, which makes it easy to fit into holiday song lyrics.

Or maybe it just sounds good because I haven’t had breakfast. Either way, Crumpet makes the list.

Nutmeg
What can I say? At this time of the year, visions of egg nog lattes dance through my head. I just have to close my eyes and picture the Barista sprinkling nutmeg on top…now that’s what I call Christmas cheer!

Snickerdoodle
Another food reference, I know. I can’t help it – all of that Christmas shopping makes me hungry. Snickerdoodle is a Christmas cookie. I have never baked nor eaten one, but the name sounds merry.

Mistletoe
I had to get away from the food based reindeer name ideas, and since Mistletoe is actually poisonous to ingest, it’s about as far from edible as you can get. It’s also a cute name for a reindeer, as it conjures up images of sharing sweet holiday kisses with the one you adore.

Or it brings on a terrifying flashback of the time Poopie-Pants Pete trapped you under it in the third grade…but we all have to move past our demons, so Mistletoe it is.

Rum Pa Pum Pum
Those reindeer are all drummers at heart, using their hooves to tap rum-pa-pum-pums on your rooftop. Sure, they may wake you from your Chirstmas slumber, but they will also conveniently remind you that there is leftover rum (pa-pum) cake in the fridge.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Not a very complicated tune, this carol actually gets right to the point. “We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.” Terrific! Thanks for the sentiment. But when you start demanding, “Now bring us some figgy pudding!” I’m not only offended by your lack of manners (isn’t “please” in your vocabulary?) I’m also unable to fulfill your request because I don’t know what the hell figgy pudding is.

And when you start threatening “We won’t go until we get some,” well, I’m calling the cops, you singing stalkers!

Here We Come a Wassailing
If you have to look up the meaning of a word in the title, it’s time to update your Christmas carol. “Wassailing,” from what my trusty google searching abilities have told me, is sort of like caroling. Only with booze. And lots of it. So it is caroling by a drunken mob. Or not. I actually only skimmed the search results…which proves my point that there just isn’t any interest in wassailing any more.

The Twelve Days of Christmas
Twelve days of gifts and not a one worth keeping in the whole lot. You can’t even regift them because you just know your true love is going to notice those seven swans swimming in the punch bowl at your sister-in-law’s New Year’s Eve party.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
This is almost a timeless holiday song filled with heartwarming images. Until you get to the lyric, “There’ll be scary ghost stories.”

Huh? Is this a Christmas tradition I (thankfully) never knew about? Hey, let’s scare the crap out of the kiddos and then expect them to be able to sleep so Santa can visit!

Let’s leave Halloween back in October where it belongs and just stick to visions of sugar plums, please.

Deck the Halls
“Troll the ancient yuletide carol!” I don’t understand what trolls have to do with Christmas caroling. Unless of course they are part of the angry, wassailing, figgy-pudding crazed mob. I give up. I’m just not answering the door. If they don’t like it they can…fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Thanksgiving morning just wouldn’t be the same without the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade playing on the television. It’s a tradition that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Mostly because I am inside, wearing my warm and fuzzy bathrobe while the Rockettes are out there freezing off their can-cans.

Football

Love it or leave it, watch it or play it, football is a Thanksgiving tradition worth mentioning. Without football to take up the time between courses, we’d actually have to talk to our relatives. Go team!

The Wish Bone

Oh yes, the wish bone. It’s the Thanksgiving table equivalent of arm wrestling and the winner gets to make the big wish. We can only hope the winner wishes for Uncle George to save some pie for the rest of us.

Giving Thanks

It’s not about turkey and pumpkin pie. It’s about counting our blessings and expressing our gratitude. As you sit there at the dining table, take a good look at the people surrounding you and think about all you have to be thankful about…

Perhaps you are grateful you aren’t a freeloader like your cousin Hugo. Give thanks that your kid isn’t the one teaching curse words to the rest. You may not be thankful that your mother-in-law is sitting next to you, but you can be grateful that she will leave after dessert.

If all else fails, be thankful for the bottle of wine you have stashed beneath your chair.

Leftovers

Thanksgiving dinner is the meal that keeps on giving. And you’ll be giving thanks all weekend long for the leftovers that save you from having to cook another meal.

If Uncle George ever stopped to actually leave anything over, that is.

Sleep
Of course the number one bonus is the extra hour of sleep. That is, if you don’t have young children who don’t know how to tell time or reset their body rhythms according to time zone shifts. I wish sweet dreams to those of you who are fortunate enough to sleep through your extra hour. Sadly, I’ll have to find other ways to occupy mine.

Wake Up Call
Celebrate Eastern Standard Time by staying up until the official clock change time of 2:00 AM. Then call everyone you know to remind them to change their clocks. Let them know you are concerned they might forget and miss out on that extra hour of sleep.

Holiday Decorating
It’s Sunday morning and you’re up an hour early with nothing else to do. Why not decorate for Christmas? You’re always complaining about the lack of time to complete all of your holiday tasks. Well here you are with an hour to spare so get out there and string up those lights.

Pot Luck Hour
Throw a Return to Eastern Standard Time party. Tell your friends, family and neighbors that you want to celebrate your spare hour with the people who matter most. Make it a pot luck feast. When your loved ones arrive, set the casseroles in the kitchen and then stall over beverages and small talk. After an hour, look at your watch and exclaim, “Will you look at the time! Where did the hour go?!” Then usher them out while explaining that you really had just the one hour to spare and now you have to tend to your scheduled affairs. You’ve just scored a week’s worth of casseroles!

Early to Bed
By 5:00 it will be dark. Take advantage of the early nightfall and send the kids to bed. If they complain it is too early, just tell them, “Look outside, it’s dark, of course it is bedtime!”

Make Vinaigrette
Red wine vinaigrette, balsamic vinaigrette, raspberry vinaigrette, mustard vinaigrette…the options are endless. You may not be able to make them all in one day, but you can challenge yourself to see how many you CAN make in one day. Go for it, we will be waiting for the tally.

If you don’t want to spend the day making vinaigrette, how about just finding out why it isn’t spelled “vinegarette.”

Stain Removal Tests
Vinegar is supposed to be good for stains, isn’t it? So spend the day spilling stuff and pouring vinegar on the stains.

Better yet, use vinegar to create the stain (I’m thinking red wine vinegar) and then see if vinegar can remove itself!

Catch Flies
As the old saying goes, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

Why accept this as true just because “they” say so? Maybe there are some flies out there with savory taste buds. There’s only one way to find out. Set out a cup of honey and a cup of vinegar. Sit back and count the flies. Report back here. I, for one, won’t use that phrase again until I know for sure.

Vinegar Festival
Attend a vinegar festival. Can’t find one nearby? Create your own! Just pick up some balloons and noisemakers, hire a marching band and head to the vinegar aisle in the grocery store.

Color Vinegar Day Eggs
Without vinegar, how would you color Easter eggs? The least you can do is start a Vinegar Day egg-coloring tradition. Then you can use the leftovers to make egg salad – with vinaigrette, of course.

I should stop buying the treats ahead of time, but that would be a waste of the incredible talent I have for extracting the bars through a tiny, inconspicuous slit in the seam of the bag.

Now as I sit and survey the paltry remainders of this once hefty stash, it seems my house is destined to be toilet papered. Note to self: Don’t try to stomp out any flaming bags that land on the porch.

In a last ditch effort to save my front door from the egg barrage, I head for the store. Considering there is still a day or so before the actual trick-or-treating begins, I remain optimistic. Surely a bag of Milky Ways awaits me on the shelf.

Alas, the candy aisle is bare. As are the toilet paper and shaving cream aisles. I’m sensing defeat here, but I’m not ready to surrender. I search for alternatives.

Among the scattered remnants on the seasonal shelves there lies a crushed box of Halloween string lights, a box of marshmallow “pumpkin” peeps and a few rogue pieces of candy corn. I toss the peeps into my basket. No, they won’t satisfy the dozens of Dora the Explorers and Spongebob Squarepants’ who excitedly ring my bell and request a cavity enhancing delight. But they will serve as a sweet snack for me on the drive home from the store.

I know what you’re thinking, “Haven’t you had enough candy?”

Define enough, I retort. I’ve never been able to. Perhaps I’d be better off putting my own plastic pumpkin on the porch along with a sign that reads: I ate all the candy. I have no self control. Please be so kind as to leave a donation towards my Weight Watchers registration fee.

Maybe I don’t have to give out candy at all. Perhaps some paper goods or stationary products will do. That big box of crayolas could divide up nicely. I could tie a couple of crayons together with some lovely orange and black ribbon—Oh who am I trying to kid? Some poor kid will wind up with the crappy colors and we’re right back where we started – first in line for the shaving cream paint job.

Ready to resign to the inevitable, I take comfort in the few pieces of candy that still remain at home. Hey, as long as we are doomed, I can go ahead and eat those, too. I can already taste their silky chocolateness when I spot a glimmer of hope. Back at the seasonal aisle, a stock boy is reloading the shelves. “I’m saved! “ I think (or shout out loud, but who’s really listening anyway?)

I trot on over to get a glimpse of the goodies, visions of butterfingers dancing through my head. I nearly crash into the cart of boxes. The stock boy raises his eyebrows and sighs, shaking his head and returning to his task of filling the space with wrapping paper, ribbons, cards and gifts – a merry assortment of holiday items for a holiday that has nothing to do with ghosts and goblins and everything to do with the fat jolly guy in the red suit.

I beg the stock boy to check the boxes, perhaps a bag of mini crunch bars remains.

On the drive home, I eat three rows of peeps. Rustling in the seat next to me is my offering for the pending trick-or-treaters, a box of one hundred individually wrapped candy canes.

I left the store without purchasing toilet paper. I figure we will just scavenge what’s hanging from our trees when we wake on November 1st.

If, like me, you ate all of the treats, don’t fret…I’ve got some
Halloween Treat Ideas for you!

1)Turn out the lights and hide under the couch every time the doorbell rings.
2) Find something else to give them.

Here are some ideas for option 2.

Cereal
Fill some sandwich bags with cereal. If you have the fruity kind, great! Kids love that stuff. If not, bran flakes will do. No matter, really, since their parents aren’t going to let them eat it anyway. Better yet, forget the sandwich bags and just shake some from the box directly into their trick or treat buckets. This will help you stretch it out since most moms will scurry their kids away from taking their turn after you’ve poured out just one batch.

Pet Treats
Little kitty catnip treats are a good choice. After all, they say “treat” right in the name. And the cat goes crazy for them, so they must taste good. But you have a dog, you say? No problem, just break out that box of milk bones. And if you actually get one of those little kids to eat one, you just scored a trick within a treat! Go you!

Soup
It’s cold outside, who couldn’t use some soup to warm them? And that candy cauldron is just sitting there, all sad and empty, waiting to be filled with something.

Since soup is hard to package and will get cold by the time they take it home, just hold the ladle up to their mouths and let them sip it straight from there. Delicious AND Nutritious!

Crackers
Kids love to get crackers for Halloween. It is a nice change from all of that sweet stuff. Besides, crackers go well with soup. If you don’t have crackers, try croutons instead.

Toilet Paper
You bought that mega pack of toilet paper on the same day you bought the candy, right? So you have enough to give each kid his very own roll. Worried you will run out? No problem. This is a gift that gives back–just check your roof, your trees, the mailbox–you’ll find plenty with which to replenish.

Why not just go buy more candy, you ask? Been there, tried that. Go on and read all about it in Trick or Treat Defeat

Fangs
If you want to be a vampire, you need fangs. They sell plastic ones at the party store. Get a pair and put them in your mouth. Even if they make you sound like you are sitting in the dentist’s chair. You’re too busy stalking your prey to stand around the cauldron making small talk anyhow.

Black Cape
Vampires wear black capes. Sometimes with a red lining. Which is, perhaps, to help camouflage those nasty blood stains. Because blood stains could alert the other party guests to the fact that you are a vampire on the hunt. The fangs and the creepy hairdo might go unnoticed, but the blood would be an undead giveaway.

Black Shirt
Though I have seen many a vampire dressed in a white shirt, I strongly advise against this. I mean, you can’t even keep your cape free of spillage, what makes you think a white shirt is appropriate? Get a black shirt, Dracula.

Black Pants
You would think being a vampire and all, you could go pantless and no one would dare say a word. Sorry, pants are required. Show up at the Graveyard Bash baring those pasty legs and you’ll never live it down. Not for as long as you live, Count Immortal.

Widow’s Peak Hairdo
You need to get yourself to the Transylvania Hair Salon and ask for the Eddie Munster, you know, the black shoe polish dye job, slicked back with super shiny gel and pointy right in the middle of the forehead. Believe me, those Twilight dudes aint got nothing on this hairstyle. Just ask Elvis.